Loser Story №3
The most unbearable pain is the pain that even pain killers cant cure and the battle between the mind and the heart is not a child`s play
You know this thing were we will be asked how we are and our automatic response is I AM Ok, sometimes its true but sometimes its not (most of the times its not). That I AM OK coveres up the fact that i have had restless nights, breaking moments, worries on top of worries and i hate to say it even suiciadal thoughts but to you, to a stranger, a classmate, a friend i will say AM OK.
I fake my smile because i dont want others to judge me, i dont want people to worry about me, though i know they wont because know one ever worries about the boy who is ever smiling forever cheerful and caring. To be honest i dont even know how love feels like anymore, i feel worthless i feel like nomatter what i do i will never be enough and i think my happiest day will be the day my heart stops beating
The other reason why i fake my smile is beacause i dnt want to be painted as that sad and depressed person that no one wants to be around, i will fake a smile if i have to and am good at doing that i have six years of experiance doing that and still counting.I can laugh be as friendly as possible and act like i know what the hell am doing. Maybe if i pretend on those really bad days i will start to feel like am OK, others say fake it until it feels real. It sounds crazy, silly but we all do it sometimes and i happen to do it more often than others. Muster up some energy from who knows where and use it in order to function, to keep a conversation going to feel like am not out of place i feel my heart beating and i know that am alive and yet i sigh because i feel like am not meeting this quota that i need to fulfil i will meet your eyes and give a friendly wave while inside i feel horrible weight crushing me down shaky hands and sporadic thoughts that remind me of all the things i fear i question i wonder i try to avoid but hey am ok the sun has come up and has given me another day so i will play. I will play the part when its not really there look joyful and full of life look like someone that has the world in their hands I AM OKAY thats what i will say so no one will see the hurricane that is slowly coming my way.
Roses are dead violets are broken outside am smiling but inside am dying
O….on the edge to break down
K…..know that i will be a bother if i asked for help
A….another day of me asking the Lord to take me
Y….yet nobody see`s anything